I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
