I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
