If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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