Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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