I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
