after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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