When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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