I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
