so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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