you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
this just has baby written all over it
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
