Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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