On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We don't watch enough power rangers
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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