I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
