those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize