Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
