As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
