Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
