I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
