I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
