so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
