Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
