What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
