it wasn't lemon gatorade
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
