Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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