i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize