You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
