Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
