Well douche your snatch and let's go!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
