how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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