so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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