just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
