I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
