U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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