Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize