When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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