you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
