He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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