Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
