so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
