The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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