just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
