i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
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