btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
