i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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