You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
