Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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