alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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