I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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