some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
