I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
