I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
