The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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