I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize