Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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