dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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