New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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