I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize