I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
