He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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