i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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