i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
