honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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